4 posts tagged “decisions”
I spent the summer mostly like I would have if I were still 15 years old. I lived with my mom, hung out with my family and some friends. I bummed around at the beach, at the park, by the t.v. and the laptop. The major differences were highlighted by the fact that I'm almost 10 years older now. The reason I was bumming around wasn't because I had two months off school. It was because I was looking for a job, and I had found myself in the familiar vortex of having a degree in social science, with too much education for many jobs and too little experience to be hired as a full-time employee anywhere else. Mind you, I was looking everywhere but Canada, though I know I would most likely have the same problem there. I was sure that if I just looked hard enough I would find the opportunity I was looking for: one to pay off my debts while living abroad doing something related to my future career goals. To my dismay, the only justifiable option that kept cropping up was to teach in Korea, the place I had left just months before, feeling rather negative. So, I finally gave into the idea (after much thought) that maybe Korea would offer what I was looking for. Money - Check. Travel - Check. Career Experience - If I made an effort - Check.
Guess where I've ended up. Korea, of course! I'm working in a middle school (which is one of the age groups I hope to work with in the future) in a small city north of Seoul that has an arts center (something I want to learn more about and get involved in) and I'll have at least 5 weeks of vacation (hopefully allowing me to knock a few more places off my 'to-see' list). Best of all, I have a plan to attain some major goals this year and (most importantly) a new attitude towards Korea. So far, which isn't very far, it's been going very well. I just hope nothing breaches the DMZ and the exchange rates stop soaring. No, I'm definitely not 15 anymore.
It has felt like Spring on and off for two weeks. The temperature has shot up and then plummeted again half a dozen times, confusing all kinds of flora, fauna, and people. I wasn't confused, though. I knew exactly what was going on. It was almost time for the change of a new season, and the weather was so excited it kept making false starts, desperate to push through to Spring. And of course, I sympathized, because the last two weeks have been the end of my time in Korea and I have been desperate to push through them and emerge on the other side.
I did indeed sign a year contract to teach in Korea. And I had every intention to do that. But somewhere around the 4 month mark, I realized the job wasn't suiting me, or I wasn't suiting it, and I just wasn't very happy doing what I was doing. It took me a long time to acknowledge it and even longer to make a decision, because I like teaching and it was really hard to put my finger on what exactly was making me unhappy. After many long discussions and daily incidences of banging my head against figurative walls, I came to the conclusion that whatever it was, this job wasn't good for me. This decision was made easier, since D felt exactly the same way and was also ready for a change.
We mulled it over for a while and only officially decided to quit when our boss ignored everything we had talked to him about improving the program and instead made our jobs harder. We handed in our letters of resignation the next day.
Since that day almost two months ago we have been on a quest for what to do next. There were at least 10 different 'plans' and countless hours of research put into it, but it was not until two weeks ago that THE plan was set. We would fly to Russia, via Japan for a week or so, and then see what happened next. We might look for jobs there if we liked it, or we might move onto to somewhere else, but we would at least go to Japan and Russia, two of our collective top countries to visit.
And so, the last two weeks have been tough. As the date of departure approached, the excitement was rising, which made working all the more tedious. Then there were forms to fill out and accounts to close and things to sell and apartments to clean, and amazing friends to say goodbye to, and a home to find for a kitty we're pretty attached to. Of course, all of these things cause the good kind of stress, which makes you feel crazy, but that you would not trade because once you finish those things it will be time for the change you want. And, if you just stay focussed on that change, eventually it will happen. It will be Spring, and you'll be in Tokyo with your amazing boyfriend, navigating a whole new adventure.
I got back from Canada on Sunday. I decided, after my grandfather passed away on Dec. 22nd, that I should attend the memorial that would be a week and a half later. I spent 4.3 days in Canada, visiting my family and a few friends. It was a lot of money and a lot of effort, but I'm positive it was the right decision. I will never regret being there for the memorial and saying goodbye in my own way (which unfortunately included me losing it in front of a lot of people).
My interlude was short, but helpful. I had a lot of time to think on all those planes and buses. I thought about Korea and Canada. I thought about what I'm doing and what I want to be doing. I thought about my family. Most importantly, I thought about the kind of person my grandfather was and what he would think of all these things. I think he would agree with the decisions I've made.
It feels like I've been in motion for two weeks and I just got kicked off the bus that was carrying me. I'm back in Korea, suspiciously absent of any jet-lag, and thrust back into the daily routine of a circus act/teacher. I've got new students and new classes to think about, but my mind is stuck rotating between last week and the coming weeks.
When deciding to leave Canada for six months and then again for a year, in the back of my mind rolled around a fear that someone whom I loved would become sick, or worse, die, while I was away. It happens, and I knew that it was certainly a possibility in my case. The health of one of my grandmothers has been slowly deteriorating for 15 years and every year we are reminded that she might not see another. But, I ultimately decided that I could not let go of opportunities that I wanted to take because I was afraid I might not be around in a worst case scenario.
This morning, I woke up to an e-mail from my uncle, saying that my grandfather (the one who takes sole care of my ailing grandmother) suffered a massive stroke yesterday. All I knew was that he was having a CT scan. I immediately called my mom, who said she would try to find out what was happening. While I waited to hear back from her, all of the terrible thoughts you would expect streamed through my head. Would he be ok? Would he ever be himself again? What would my grandma do? Should I go home? Could I do anything?
When I finally talked to my dad, he confirmed my worst fears. My grandfather is basically in a coma. He is still breathing on his own, but his body is shutting down and it is only a matter of time before it stops working. He does not want to be resuscitated. While I write this, he may have already passed away. All I can do is wait. My dad said it's my decision whether or not I come home, but no one expects me too. He will be cremated and no formal funeral will take place right away anyway. We'll have a memorial service in the future.
So now, I have to make some very big decisions. Even if I left right now, I may not be there in time to see him alive. And if I did make it, he wouldn't be physically aware of my presence regardless. There is no service I need to rush back for. But, I have a week vacation starting next week and I could be there, with my family. I could help them grieve and help them cook and just BE there. I know they want me to be there. My grandparents were as prepared for this as they could be, but it breaks my heart to think of her being alone and of my dad and uncle missing their father.
What can I do when I'm on the other side of the world? I can only dwell on it or clean my entire apartment (which I've already done). And, I can write about it, but it doesn't change any facts. The facts here are that when death becomes inevitable in the immediate future, you have to make decisions that are difficult. And when you decide to travel and be away from those you love for long periods of time, those decisions become infinitely more complicated.
